This is the 194th passage in “Scripture… As We Live It.”

Give to the one who begs from you, and do not refuse the one who would borrow from you, as long as you know how they are going to spend the money that you give them. You would not want to give money to someone who is just going to use the money to buy wine or strong drink. (Matthew 5:42 re-mix)

(Please read the first post for an explanation of this series.)

This is a comment from Vincent. According to his comment, he is a new reader here. But, this week, he left an awesome comment on my post “What is teaching from the perspective of Scripture?”

In his comment, he expressed many of the same ideas that I was trying to get across in the post. Plus, he expressed it in a much more personal manner than I did.

I hope you enjoy his comment as much as I did. (Thanks, Vincent!)

Just this year I have really struggled with being the example of all I’ve taught. Years ago, the Lord called me to teach and I’ve always found myself in settings where I was teaching and often those older than me or in different life settings. For example, one of my first classes I was called to teach, was a married couples class and I was single. Now today, as a married man, I teach a class containing many of the elders in my church. From seminary, I too learned “explanation, illustration, application.” Because I often received comments on my teaching style and people enjoyed my teaching I believed I was often doing all the Lord had called me to. I was always only concerned my lessons were biblically based, which is important of course.

But recently I was really struggling with “doing all the Lord had called me to.” I say this because I realized (or it was probably more like the H.S. showed me) I was not living out all I was teaching. When I hear K.P. Yohannan speak for example, I can’t help but stop in my tracks to hear him, because I know he is speaking from all he has lived and experienced. The words of scripture come alive because he is living proof of all he is teaching. Even in the elder class I teach, there is a couple in there that are Wycliffe translators who, when they’re not traveling, are in our class. When they raise their hand to speak I hold on to all they say and think they should be teaching not me. It is because they are living examples, again, of what scripture is. I am a Voice of the Martyrs representative in Tucson, AZ. I often struggle to be their voice because I see a huge gulf between their way of life and mine (but his is a whole other topic.) But even when I would pick up a book by Richard Wurmbrand, the found of the Voice of the Martyrs, I cling to every word because he teaches from the life of a man who endured suffering for Christ.

I am truly learning and have been learning that right believing does not always translate into right living. I must be living right. Again, I must confess, while I might be able to hold a class’ attention to my lesson, I don’t see these same people flocking after me during the week to follow my way of life! Shame on me right? Your article seemed to be written at just the right time as I have been thinking about the fact that teaching is more than the transfer and discussion of knowledge. I find I have always been attracted to those whose lives are living examples of the faith and I want to be around them. Yes, teaching is more than just information, it is a way of life!

Chances are, you have at least one relationship where conflict currently exists. This is normal and natural. However, the goal is for that conflict to be resolved.

Enter stage right my friend Linda Outka of Breakthrough Solutions. Linda is experienced in this area and agreed to sit down with me and shed a little light on the subject. I trust it will add value to you and help you have a breakthrough solution in one of your relationships that might be stuck.

• How did you find your niche in conflict resolution?

Immediately after college, I traveled with a singing and drama team touring the U.S. and Canada. Nine women, four men in a van for nine months…conflict was inevitable. I learned the importance of talking out disagreements rather than letting them fester. I realized that when two people communicate with openness, honesty and respect, the conflict gets resolved and the relationship grows. 

Since that time, employee relations roles have followed me because I am passionate about helping people work through their interpersonal stress. I believe life it too short and people are too valuable to build walls and shut each other out. We can live better. 

• What is the source of conflict in personal and professional relationships?

When we don’t understand why our co-workers and family members do what they do, we make up stories in our heads. And then we act as if these stories are true. This gets us into trouble because we act on our faulty assumptions. If we slow down, get off autopilot and untangle truth from stories, that’s the beginning of trying to understand the other person’s reality and resolve conflict. 

Let me give you an example. When was the last time you got cut off in traffic? What stories did you make up about the other driver? “That jerk! He knew I was here and he cut in front of me anyway.” Or “That idiot! He thinks he’s the only one on the road!”

On the other hand, think about the last time you accidentally cut someone else off in traffic. Was it because you were distracted or had a lot on your mind? Do you think that other driver gave you the “benefit of the doubt” you deserved?

When we make positive assumptions about people rather than negative ones, we stay in a better mood and have more clarity in our thinking. We can check the accuracy of our stories with curiosity rather than judgment. Simply put…when we assume positive intentions rather than negative intentions, we don’t damage our relationships. 

• What steps can a person take to resolve conflict in their personal and professional life?

If you have a difficult conversation you need to have with someone, I would recommend the following steps: 

• Prepare for the conversation beforehand.
• Untangled fact from stories.
• What are the stories I am telling myself about the other person?
• What are the facts?
• What am I feeling? (State as “I feel…”)
• What could have been their positive intention? (How could a “reasonable” person do what they did?)
• What have I done (or not done) that could have contributed to the problem?
• What questions can I ask that communicate curiosity rather than judgment? (avoiding “why” questions)
• Set up a time to meet face to face with the other person. Start by asking them curious questions. “Jump into their shoes” and listen to understand their perspective. Sometimes the conflict is resolved at this stage because when people truly understand each other’s perspective, the conflict can dissipate. 
• Finally, describe your perspective, referencing facts, not assumptions. Use “I” rather than “you” in your conversation, and carefully avoid blame.

This process seems simple, but I’ve seen it work countless times. The key is creating an  environment of emotional safety, openness and respect.

• What is Breakthrough Solutions?

Breakthrough Solutions is about creating space where people feel safe to be real. Where people find common ground and new perspective when they are in conflict with one another. Where people explore new insights in places they feel stuck and discover breakthrough solutions that open doors to their potential. This can be in the context of a coaching relationship, a team building session, or a workshop.

Linda Outka has been a coach, trainer and speaker in the business world for nearly 20 years and she is certified as a coach, trainer and speaker with the John Maxwell Team. She owns Breakthrough Solutions, which creates space where people feel safe to be real and resolve conflicts in their personal and professional lives. Linda is called to make an eternal impact in both the church and the marketplace setting.

Ironically, two years ago, I wrote a post called “Looking forward to a Super Bowl party.” And, guess what I’m doing this weekend? I’m looking forward to a Super Bowl party again! I think I know which teams are playing this year, but I’m not certain enough to type it here without looking it up. I love football – mainly college football. I don’t watch much professional football. But, I love Super Bowl parties!

Are you looking forward to a Super Bowl party? Why?

——————————————-

Looking forward to a Super Bowl party

I understand that we’ve been invited to a Super Bowl Party by some good friends this Sunday night. I’m really looking forward to this party. Actually, I look forward to any party involving our friends and family.

Yes, the Super Bowl will be on the television, and we’ll laugh at some of the commercials.

But, my main purpose in going to the Super Bowl Party has nothing to do with the football game or the commercials. Instead, I’m looking forward to building and deepening with relationships with people who are at the party.

I never know what will be discussed during a party like this… but there are always discipling relationships… both for me to help someone else grow in maturity in Christ and for someone else to help me grow. This is what I’m looking forward to the most!

It’d been a few weeks since we’d seen anything from Geisler on Mike Licona. For the rest of us, we’d moved on with our lives. Maybe Geisler’s got the hint already. Unfortunately, with the appearance of a new webmaster for Geisler also came new arguments from Geisler on a topic that the rest of the world no longer cares about.

Hence, I call it the Zombie argument. It should have stayed that way but Geisler seems to want to keep resurrecting it. Oh well. Let us look and see what the first proponent has to say.

Second, unfortunately, while Licona’s work defends Jesus’ bodily resurrection ably, the assumption of genre hermeneutic known as apocalyptic or eschatological Jewish texts whereby Licona dismisses the historicity of Matthew 27:51-53 (and its recording of the resurrection of saints) results effectively in the complete evisceration and total negation of His strong defense of Jesus’ resurrection.

Oh come on now! This is the same tired argument we saw from Mohler as well and the one Geisler fears. Let’s point out some differences.

First off, not all miracles are equal and not all resurrections are equally noteworthy. Which miracle do you think you could probably make a better case for? The parting of the Red Sea or Jesus turning water into wine? With the Red Sea, we could do archaeology and compare the records of Egypt and look at the events that happened at the time.

With the second one however, are we actually going to try to go to Cana and try to find some leftover wine and be able to see if it was water that was instantaneously turned into wine? We would be much more hard-pressed. This is a miracle that I believe happened but is not essential to our faith. I would defend the possibility of the miracle in this case, but if I had to give a historical case for this one in particular, I would be hard-pressed. I would simply point to the general reliability of John.

In 2 Kings, there is an account of a dead man thrown aside who touches the bones of Elisha and comes to life again. What historical evidence will be mounted to show that this resurrection happened? Again, I cannot think of any. We do not know what this man’s name was even.

Compare this to Jesus’s resurrection. We do have evidence outside of the gospels in the epistles and we have the rise of the Christian church, the role of an honor/shame motif in the event, the reality that Jesus claimed to be the Messiah, and the claims of the apostles to see the risen Christ. Licona presents several articles of defense of this one resurrection.

Does someone who is a NT scholar really think the appropriate response would be “Yeah, but that doesn’t matter since you don’t accept this other claim in Matthew 27.”

No. I don’t even think a Bart Ehrman would use that line. The method is to deal with the evidence for the resurrection. Farnell assumes that the resurrection of Jesus would be defended like the resurrection of the saints and that the miracle of the saints if it happened would be as historically demonstrable as that of the resurrection of Christ. This is a huge assumption and a false one!

This conclusion is subjective, arbitrary, hermeneutically quite unnecessary. Nothing demands such a conclusion in the context or supports such a conclusion.

Farnell says the above about Licona’s conclusion that the text is apocalyptic. What he leaves out are the many arguments that Licona gives. Licona argues for a number of pages in the book with evidences and in his talk at EPS, he gave even more evidence for his position.

Farnell’s position is like someone sticking their head in the sand and saying “No! I don’t accept it!” Instead of dealing with the arguments Licona has given, he just asserts that there’s no need to have that conclusion. It doesn’t matter that Licona has given reasons. Those reasons must obviously be false! Why? Because they disagree with what I believe!

If the events in Matthew 27:51-53 are held that way, nothing—absolutely nothing— stops critics from applying a similar kind of logic to Jesus’ resurrection. Licona’s logic here is self-defeating and undermines his entire work on defending the resurrection.

Nothing stops critics from doing so except for Mike’s argument. No one I know of would take the creed in 1 Cor. 15 as simply apocalypse. No one I know of takes the crucifixion as simply apocalypse. For these people, it’s an all-or-nothing game. Either everything is literally historical or nothing is. For NT scholarship, it’s not that simple.

First, Licona appears to take other events in immediate context both BEFORE AND AFTER this passage as historical (Jesus crying out, veil of temple split, earthquake, the centurion crying out). Merely because he finds these events “strange” is rather subjective. His idea of “What were they [the resurrected saints] doing between Friday afternoon and early Sunday morning?” shows that an acute subjectivity reigns in Licona’s hermeneutical scheme.

Licona does not take that view simply because it is strange, but based on a historical argument that Farnell has not touched. It is easy to cry out about subjectivity when one does not want to deal with the arguments.

Second, no literary signals exist to the readers that Matthew has switched from historical narration of the events surrounding the crucifixion. The passage flows both before and after as a telling of the events with no abrupt disjuncture. How would Matthew’s readers have recognized that the events, before and after, were historical in time-space but not the immediate passage?

How would Matthew’s readers have been able to distinguish the genre change from historical narrative to what Licona term’s “symbolic” based in eschatological Jewish texts.

Matthew’s readers would have been the most educated as few people then were literate. The popular audience would have known based on oral clues rather than written ones. We do not live in that culture and it is a mistake to think our thinking would be just like theirs. What clues were there? There would be a number and some we don’t know of I’m sure.

For instance, I just got done reading Ken Bailey’s “Paul Through Mediterranean Eyes” and my eyes were opened to things in 1 Corinthians I hadn’t noticed in years of reading. Paul writes often in a ring composition with point A, point B, point C and then an emphasis in point D, followed by a restating of C, then of B, then of A. We Western readers miss this. A Jewish reader would have caught on immediately.

There is nothing in the text that has Paul saying “Oh Corinthians. I want you to know how I’m writing. Please understand this.” Paul wrote using clues internal to the culture that that culture would have recognized. The same could be going on here in Matthew 27 and Licona certainly thinks it is based on the study of genre.

It is highly dubious that Matthew 27:51-53 or Revelation should be associated with Jewish Apocalyptic literature. While Revelation may share some highly superficial characterstics, such as symbolism, it DOES NOT share the dualism, pessimism, determinism, pseudonymity or rewritten history transformed into prophecy that characterized such Jewish literature (see Leon Morris, Apocalyptic, 1972).

This man has a doctorate after saying Revelation should not be associated with Apocalyptic literature? The very first word of the book is the Greek word for apocalypse. If Revelation is not an apocalypse, pray tell what exactly should we define it as?

Does Revelation share all the characteristics? No. But what does. However, there are a number of similarities. I believe there is a dualism in the sense of good vs. evil with the good winning. I also think some of Revelation is historical and has been rewritten, such as the account in Revelation 12 which I believe to be a description of the birth of Christ. (Let’s wait now and see if Geisler sends the Heresy Hounds after me.)

I would lovingly ask Mike Licona to reconsider his position. All of us have had times when we have reconsidered positions and changed as we grow in the faith and wisdom as Christians and in the love of the Lord Jesus.

Instead, what we need is for Geisler to consider he could be wrong in the face of opposition. This reminds me some of when the Arizona Congresswoman was shot and P.Z. Myers was sure that the shooter was a Republican who listened to talk radio. Myers would jump on anything that supported his claim and ignore all that went against it.

If Geisler is so sure he’s right, then he should have agreed to the round table discussion. He should have also agreed to meet Licona with witnesses, but he has not done so.

Meanwhile, let’s look at just one piece from the other short letter.

Be encouraged that we all see through the childish attacks you have faced. In
our culture, personal attacks are often offered when the opposition cannot
answer the clarity of your position. Sadly it is apparent that sometimes Christians
do this as well. You do not stand alone. We have been there, and we stand
alongside of you in the truth! The Administration, Faculty, Staff and students of
the Arlington Baptist College pray for you and stand with you in this battle.

All the childish attacks. Oh come on!

If people cry out over this, I wonder what they would do in the face of real persecution in certain countries overseas.

To begin with, let us remember it was Geisler who threw the first punch here, and that punch has cost the Licona family income and loss of credibility. Note also Geisler has had a petition going around behind the scenes against Licona and Geisler has been getting Licona uninvited from conferences and doing the same to Copan and Habermas for supporting Licona.

Last I checked, none of us have done such to Geisler. Geisler has tried to control the evangelical world and make sure everyone sees things his way.

I agree that attacks can come when the clarity of a position cannot be answered, but in this case it has been. I’ve done it. Max Andrews has done it. J.P. Holding has done it. We have not seen replies to what we have said. Holding’s challenge to Geisler for open debate was even taken down from Geisler’s Facebook page and the person who posted it was banned from posting there.

Geisler has refused to listen then and has instead kept going on his Crusade. If he wants to play that game it is played as well. The response of Holding was to make a cartoon and now Geisler plays the victim card. It is like the bully who punches someone only to have another student who doesn’t like it come over and knock him down and then the bully cries out that he is a victim.

What is done is done because Geisler is going against unity in the body and damaging Evangelicalism as a whole. There was a day and age when many of us held Geisler’s name in great respect. Now we look at that name with shame. We see it as disgraceful and for us, it wasn’t because of anything that Mike Licona said about Geisler. It was seeing Geisler himself and how he handled disagreement and the hostility in his approach to Licona.

The cause of Geisler’s loss of respect in the evangelical world is Geisler alone.

We hope that Geisler will stop and see the damage he’s done to the body and give it a rest. There are far more important battles to be fought.

We also want to note the irony that Ergun Caner is listed as support. Geisler. Do you really want to use Caner’s name again? There are people that have been waiting for you to answer questions for years on this topic and now in a topic where your position is not accepted, you bring in an endorsement from someone who’s endorsement will not be accepted. Do you really want James White going after you again?

Now earlier, I would have and in fact did agree with you on Caner. I hadn’t looked at it, but I knew Caner and I had a high respect for you and none for White. It seemed like a grudge match. Now since I’ve seen the way you investigate these claims, I must say I would simply wish to look at this whole thing myself if I got the time, but even if you were entirely right on Caner, it still does not serve you to bring him in here.

Seriously, this whole thing is dead. The evangelical world does not care any more about it. Oh I’ll still comment whenever you say something like this, but I’m also aware you’re doing a fine job of destroying your own reputation. When someone takes a minor and makes a major issue out of it, there is something else going on.

It’s done. I pray soon you’ll meet Licona with witnesses as he has asked for and be able to make amends and put this all past us. Enough damage has been done. There is no need to keep beating a resurrected horse.

In Christ,
Nick Peters

I haven’t linked to Dave Black’s blog lately. So, this gem is highly overdue.

In the post, he’s talking about learning Greek… because, well, you know, he’s a Greek professor. So, he wants his students to learn to read Greek, right. Well, yes. But, it seems like that’s not his goal.

For example, he writes (on Thursday, February 2, 2012 at 5:40 p.m.):

That pride Jesus warned us about, the leaven of the Pharisees, is so infectious today that I would sooner teach students who are obedient than those who leave seminary with heads filled with useless knowledge. If a knowledge of Greek does not lead to greater obedience, if it is not marked by a passionate love for the lost, if it is not born of a commitment to the Great Commission, then it is the same old pride that does little more than flaunt our own superiority by making others feel just how “ignorant” they are.

I think Dave’s encouragement and warning can be applied to any type of knowledge – especially theological knowledge. Are you an expert in systematic theology? What about historical research? New Testament or Old Testament studies?

Without a heart submitted to God and a life lived in a way that demonstrates love for God and love for others… what good is it?

As Christians we understand that everything we do is to be an act of worship (1 Cor. 10.31) and if we do anything that does not glorify God then we ought to repent and get busy doing what is honorable to our Lord. So what about watching sports? How can you watch sports to the glory of God?

I will speak from the perspective of the superior sports product in the world, the NFL. I enjoy the NFL. I’ve always watched my hometown Patriots (as I did even when they stunk back in the days of Tony Eason).

Let me first say that as an unbeliever I was sports guy. I watched ESPN all the time, and any game that was on had my attention. I seamlessly transitioned between seasons worshiping….errr….watching my favorite teams. So I have a frame of reference for what being a sports fan is not supposed to be like.

So then I become a Christian and have to continually examine my life for idols, those vicious parasites that I affix to my soul and siphon off the worship of God. This is a good and healthy practice for all of us. Does the fact that I used to pervert sports mean that I should not enjoy them? I do not think so. I believe that sports, along with everything else that is not sinful, should be sanctified and enjoyed to the glory of God. So what follows is my own frame of reference as I watch sports.

/1/ See the players as image bearers. I watch guys like Rob Gronkowski with his freakish physical ability and I marvel at the God who made someone who can jump, run, mash and catch like this guy. I watch Tom Brady dissect a defense in a matter of seconds and throw a pass between two defenders hitting his receiver in stride on his outside shoulder and think of his creator. I look at the size of a guy like Vince Wilfork whose arms are bigger than my thighs (seriously) and watch how quick he is and just think about how amazing the human body is, the way God made it so that we can, by hard work, strengthen, condition, and improve it. I watch a coach like Bill Belichick who has opposing coaches staying up all night trying to be creative because they know the guy is a football genius; I watch him and worship the God who gave him such a great mind.

/2/ Take opportunities to talk to your kids. Football is a great game to point out things like hard work, discipline, training, strategy, and passion. However it is also a great place to expose the unrestrained and shameless self-promotion of fallen hearts. There are plenty of examples of guys who regrettably exalt themselves, you don’t have to look too far. It is a great discipleship tool to show the kids the heart as we watch guys like that.

The Patriots are a great tool for kids. They epitomize the picture of team and unity, which is refreshing in our age of individualism in sports (you may remember that they would not allow individual introductions in the Super Bowl but insisted that they come out as a team). But even with these favorable things there are negative. Tom Brady is not a moral role model. On the football field they provide opportunities to promote physical discipline and off the field they provide good fodder for promoting spiritual discipline through their blunders and pointing to the ultimate hero, Jesus. (this is kind of like the picture of the OT Kings, ok, maybe it is a reach).

/3/ Think about Providence. For me growing up in Massachusetts I have never rooted against the Red Sox, Celtics, or Pats, it is just where I grew up. I think about how God has seen fit to put me in various circumstances growing up and then save me from my sin. In many ways I have broken from the old Erik, however, the sports teams and the logos are the same. I find myself thinking a lot about providence in the way God has worked in my life to bring me to the proper use of created things and a delight in the Creator.

/4/ Watch games with your wife. Men this is a hidden blessing, you have to work but the joy is in the work…trust me. Some of you may have the benefit of a wife who has been discipled by a sports dad so they get it. However, other guys, like me, get to try to teach sports to our wife. I really enjoy this. Christie asks so many good questions and gets pretty excited (she gets excited about a lot of things, but it is a different excitement when Brady hits Branch on a go-route then other things). I love watching games with Christie it is a great time to work on clear explanations and it is a fun thing to do together.

/5/ Watch games with friends. Sports are a great time to hang out with friends. We can get together watch a game, interact with life, share families and enjoy a game. It is fun and refreshing.

While we are on the subject, here are some dangers to watch out for in case you are unbalanced…

• if you are having your day ruined because your team lost you may have inverted your team for God and probably need to repent.
• if you have replaced your wife with your team then you are a sports adulterer and also need to repent. If you would rather watch dudes beat the heck out of each other than spend time with your wife, you have issues that need to be looked at. She is your bride not your favorite quarterback, so act like it.
• if your enjoyment of sports crowds out your discipleship of your family or your service in the church you need to repent and make some changes. I can’t imagine standing before the Lord and reciting Tom Brady’s quarterback rating instead of hearing my Master’s approval for laboring for the souls of my wife and kids and those in my church.
• ask yourself if you are more excited about the game than reading the word, praying, hearing preaching, or serving in the church. Be honest.

Hopefully this is helpful. We are always trying to inspect our lives for balance. So don’t falsely divide your life into unbiblical categories like “sacred and secular” for this is skimping God of what is due him. Instead, worship God in everything, including the enjoyment of sports to his glory.

And by the way, Patriots 27 Giants 23

So, I’ve written two posts recently about the importance of teaching through shared life experiences (i.e., demonstrating what it means to follow Jesus Christ) and about the implications of this kind of teaching for the gathering of the church.

But, there’s another form of “teaching” that the modern church relies on heavily. And, unfortunately, this kind of teaching is even more removed from a shared life than the teaching that goes on when the church gathers.

What teaching am I talking about? The “teaching” that is available through books, articles, essays, and even blog posts! Yes, I’m including my own blog posts in this category.

As little as we sometimes know about the life of the person who teaches when the church gathers, we usually know even less about the person who wrote the book, article, essay, or blog post that we are reading. (Yes, I know that there are a few fortunate readers here who actually know me in real life…)

However, think about how often we drift toward this kind of teaching… What do we do when a couple is struggling in their marriage? Recommend a book. What do we do when someone wonders which Bible translation they should read? Point them to a magazine article that lists the pros and cons of each translation. What do we do when someone disagrees with us? Point them to a blog post that explains our position.

Obviously, books, essays, articles, blog posts, etc. can be effective means of communicating information. But, remember, we’ve already discovered that in Scripture teaching goes far beyond communicating information. If that information is separated from shared life experiences, then very little teaching is actually taking place. (By the way, you can also include podcasts – audio and video – in this category as well.)

So, what can we do? We live in an information age. We are inundated with information, including information about God, people, the church, etc. Why, there is more information on this blog alone than I care to read or could possibly process…

It would be completely impossible to try to separate ourselves completely from this kind of information transfer. Instead of attempting to stop the flow of information, we should seek to live it in community with others. That’s right… live it. When we are confronted with new information, bring it into the community and decide whether to and how to live accordingly together.

Remember, if you can’t live it together, then you are not learning it anyway.

When you begin to live it together, don’t put the emphasis on what “so-and-so” said or how “such-and-such” explained it. Put the focus where it belongs: what God is doing in and through his children – including in and through you. This is the power of teaching in lives that are shared with one another in Jesus Christ.

The power is not in the books, articles, or blog posts – even wonderfully crafted and completely true blog posts such as those you read here. The power is in the work of Holy Spirit in his children as you share your lives with one another.

Okay, so this may not be the best way for me to invest $36 but I’m not going to lie: I want the Porta-Pizza oven really BAD. I’m all about pizza and I’m all about multi-tasking.

This 12V portable oven and pizzeria plugs right into your dashboard. High and low settings for cooking and warming. Unique heating elements cook from top to bottom. Built-in fold out carry handle. Easy to clean and maintain. Fine freeway dining.

You want one don’t you?

Readers of the blog know that for all intents and purposes, I am still a Newlywed and this has been a major learning experience. I often look forward to my male friends who are single getting married themselves so they know the joy of it, but at the same time want to prepare them for realities. Marriage is awesome, but it is also something that requires work.

My wife and I are both diagnosed with Asperger’s. This makes our marriage even more interesting. Something we discovered early on was that while there are many ways we have to say “I love you,” some are unique to us. Her cooking me something is such a way and wanting to buy me something is a way. For me, I am all about knowledge and one way I have done so is by ordering books on marriage and reading about being a good husband.

I also listen to podcasts. One I’ve found quite enjoyable is Marriage Today with Jimmy and Karen Evans. (Link below) I think the advice given is often quite good and my wife and I have started the pattern of listening to an episode together and then discussing it. We listened today to one on God’s indestructible plan for marriage. After that, we discussed what the subject was, how women need to feel loved and secure and how men need to feel respected and honored.

We then talked about ways we do this for each other and then talked about ways we don’t do this for the other and how we’d like to see change. We also set up a rule that we want it to be that when she does not feel loved by something I do, she can tell me without fear of criticism or defensiveness, and when I don’t feel respected by something she does, she can tell me without fear of criticism or defensiveness. It doesn’t mean that the person speaking is right, but they do have a right to speak. I really think this would be a great rule for many marriages to follow.

However, there was one point I disagreed with on the show and that was when Jimmy Evans said that the institution of marriage was failing as more and more people were unmarried than ever before and divorce was becoming more prevalent. Some of you could be wondering “With unwed mothers, homosexuality on the rise, and cohabitation without marriage rising, how could you say the institution of marriage is not failing?” Some of you I hope have caught the distinction, and it is one my wife caught immediately when someone gave her the same kind of statement.

The institution of marriage does not fail. People fail the institution of marriage.

You see, the system works great. It’s God’s idea. It’s just the people that are in the system are often problematic. Why is this? One reason that comes to my mind immediately is how self-centered each of us is. We are all constantly looking out for #1.

Sure. The husband is more than willing to help with taking out the trash, but there’d better be sex in it for him or else he’s going to be upset. Meanwhile, of course the wife is willing to have sex with her husband, but he’d sure better be sure to paint the kid’s bedroom!

This can sadly happen and in each case, each person is looking out for #1 and not seeing the joy in helping their spouse just for helping them. Okay men. You’ve spent all day cleaning up the house to surprise your Mrs. and then think “I bet she’ll want to show me how much she appreciates this!” Let’s suppose that wasn’t on your mind really when you started, but now it is and of course, it’s all you can think about it.

Question. If she does not give you a really good time tonight, are you going to feel hurt?

Let’s hope the answer is no. She is not under obligation after all. There is nothing that says that if you do X, she must have sex with you. Keep in mind however men, that women will say you are never more attractive to them than you are when you’re doing housework. (On a forum I belong to, there was a thread once called “Female porn” that consisted of pictures of men fully clothed doing housework.)

If she does, well you can certainly enjoy that! If she doesn’t, what do you enjoy? You enjoy that you got to show love to your wife and please her. Perhaps if she is not interested, she has her own reasons and it might just be that it does not mean anything whatsoever about her lack of desire for you. Instead, just let it be. It’s not much of a gift of grace to her if you give of yourself only so you can get something in return. Keep in mind we are to love our wives as Christ loved the church, which means sacrifice.

Now as to the women, so you spend all the time prettying yourself up waiting for your husband to get home from work. You’ve had a nice and long shower, put on his favorite perfume and the nicest make-up, fixed his favorite dinner, and you have those rose petals on the bed while you’re wearing a very revealing outfit all for him and have that romantic evening all planned with some nice romantic music. When he comes home, he is pleased and the night goes exactly as you wanted.

And now you go to sleep that night and think “I’ve shown my husband a great time. I hope he’ll paint the kid’s bedroom tomorrow.”

What if he doesn’t? What if the guy is still a bonehead who has not caught on as to how much this means to you? Do you get angry? “I did all this for him and he doesn’t do this for me?!” (oh how tempting it can be for us!) Or, do you delight that you showed your husband love? Note however I think this wife is on the right track. Women. You find men doing the housework attractive, but it is certain that if you nag your husbands, they will find that unattractive and will NOT want to meet your request. In fact, the way to get your husband to have more interest in your desires is to have more interest in his. One of the best things you can do in this case is to seduce your husband.

Marriage is the best way to draw you out of yourself and start you focusing on another. As you live with the other person, you have to learn how to change. You can no longer think about just what you want. Perhaps I want to spend some time in study and my wife wants to watch a movie. Am I willing sometimes to forgo that for the joy of my family, or will my wife always be second to academia? (For those concerned, we do often watch movies together at home).

Perhaps the Mrs. has been busy preparing herself to head out the door, but her husband sees her getting ready and suddenly has other things on his mind. Okay. Maybe you are too busy at this point, but does that mean you have to give a flat no? How about something like “I’d really love to right now, but I have to get to work, but I will be thinking about you all day today and if you have things ready when I get home, I will also be ready.” Be assured of this women. You will be on his mind ALL DAY!

No. You can’t do everything every time, but what would happen if in marriage each person put the needs and desires of the other above themselves? Why most of each person’s needs and desires would be met. What do we do when we seek to look out for #1? We seek to meet our needs and desires. A major difference with the first way is that in this case, we not only get them met, but we also grow in holiness and character as we reach beyond ourselves into the other.

Someone I worked with once asked me what the best way to learn forgiveness was. I answered to get married. In marriage, you spend a lot of time being forgiven and giving forgiveness because all your faults are displayed there for the other person to see and there’s nowhere to hide.

For we men, we have to learn to love with grace. We are to love our wives as Christ loved the church, a tall order that should fill us with terror when we see how badly we are failing obviously. The women are to love as the church loves Christ. Some women might be saying “Well that’s a relief because the church doesn’t do that one well!” It would be a mistake to think that way. The church is the body of Christ and the church is to love Christ as if they were loving themselves. How many of us are good at doing that with the other?

It’s not a surprise to me then that so many people try to take the easy way out to avoid this, but the easy way will seldom produce exemplary results. “Marriage is just a ritual” The problem is with the word ‘just’. The ceremony is certainly a ritual in a sense, but it is much more than that. The wedding day is a day that will change your life forever.

Ah. Such a risky manuever! Let us go without risks! We will try each other out first! We will see how we do and if we think we are doing well, well then we might consider marriage.

Do you like being tested? Now some of us are rare exceptions in that when test time came at school for me, I was thrilled. I thoroughly enjoyed a good test. That is because I knew the subject and could pass it and thus, that meant that I had an easy class.

What if the test was never-ending? What if the test was every day? What if you were tested on every comment, every action, and every fiber of you being? Would that be a good test? What if it was not your knowledge that was being tested, but rather you that were being tested?

What if this test determined whether this person would love or respect you and your entire future happiness could depend on this?

Are you able to be free? No. You must walk on pins and needles. Your time in the bedroom cannot be as passionate if you know that you must please this other person. You cannot seriously think about having children if you know that this other person might not be around to help raise them. How can you plan to buy that house if you could be left with a mortgage when the other person abandons you?

For a married couple, they are to stay together no matter what. Whatever happens, one makes the best of it and loves and/or respects anyway. For the couple that is living together, it is but a sham.

“Okay,” I have heard several single guys ask me. “What’s the big deal? If I’m in love with this woman, I want to have sex with her. Why should I wait?”

You know what. That’s a good question. Why should you wait? Another good one is “Why shouldn’t you?”

For single men who are willing to take this risk, you are playing a very very dangerous game. I was relieved when one friend I have who started dating already told me they were making sure that if their relationship went well, there would be no sex until marriage and that that goes without saying.

For too many guys, even Christian guys I know, it sadly does not go without saying.

The dangerous game is that this is something dynamite that will forever change the fabric of your relationship. In ancient times, most marriages were arranged at birth. Today, many still are. How did that work? The two people who never knew each other come together after the wedding for the first time. This was usually where something like a bloodied sheet would be shown so all could celebrate the marriage being consummated.

That act was what it took to begin forming the bond. Were it not that the future of the human race is built upon having children and that sex is something designed to be very pleasurable, I suspect most men would never get married. However, it is that drive for the female that makes us want to be with her and the act of sex increases that desire all the more. Don’t think it can happen and the fabric of your relationship not change. It most certainly will.

Marriage creates the perfect bond for that. This is why Paul even told men and women to only abstain if they agreed beforehand and to come quickly together lest the devil use their lack of self-control. Obvious reason even for Christian couples? Both will want more and it will quickly become something highly important in the marriage.

Marriage helps to stabilize this drive. The man knows he must work to please the woman and provide for her as she meets his need for respect. The woman knows that she must be gracious and loving so that her husband will be able to meet her need for love and security. Sexual intercourse will also be a great security for her as it will be a great affirmation of respect for him.

Why wait? Because you want to save that for the person you’ve committed your whole life to. “Well I already know she’s the one!” Okay. If you’re so sure, you should be willing to wait. Is she not worth waiting for? You can rest assured, there will be times in marriage when you have to wait. You might as well learn now.

Thus, if she is the one, wait and you will have her eventually. If she is not the one, then you can be sure you are saving yourself for the right one.

But it could just be our drive for our personal pleasure is greater than our drive for personal holiness.

And maybe that’s what the problem is at root. We are lovers of self rather than lovers of God. If you are in a marriage and you do not love your spouse, do not give me this nonsense then that you love God. Now sadly, if in the case of a situation like abuse, it could be you have to separate, but I’d also be praying for your spouse to be convicted and repent and return to holiness. Most of us are not in these situations and how can we be lovers of God and not lovers of our spouses? John told us we cannot say we love God if we do not love man who is in His image.

Let us then reach beyond ourselves and love God and love our spouses, for the glory of God, and show the world the institution of marriage is not failing.

In Christ,
Nick Peters

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